Longing for peace.....

I really don't have much to blog about today. Because this week my life was full of stress. Too many commitments....... too many kids' activities............ to many places to be at the same time................ sick animals............... sick kids............too many jobs...........too many dirty clothes, dishes, floors.

I stay at home part time.  I no longer work full time outside the home, but I have replaced that with 4 part time jobs to equal the income.  2 of those jobs I work from home and 2 I have to leave the house.  In addition I bake bread and sell it at craft fairs.  Does that count as job 5??

I have a kid in Cub Scouts, a kid in Boy Scouts, and I volunteer in both.

It is such a joy when/if I ever get a day to myself.  I like to sit in the house when everyone is gone and the animals are sleeping.  It is so quiet in the house and I enjoy just listening to the quiet.  When everyone is home, it is so hectic and busy...I long for the peace.

Peace is good.

Bread

Bread....the food of life.  It is a staple in my house....we eat some pretty much every day.  Oat nut, whole grain, whole grain white, whole wheat, pumpernickel, sourdough...you name it, we love it all.  But that is not the bread I was thinking about when thinking about what to blog about today.  I was thinking of friendship bread.
    
Friendship bread, you know, that stuff your friend gives you in a baggie "this is a starter", and then hands you a baggie of goopy looking white stuff with a sheet of instructions.  She says "this stuff is really good, you have GOT to try it".  That is really friend code for "I got this crap from someone and I don't know what I am going to do with it, so I am passing it on to you...."  Or something to that effect.


That is how my foray into friendship bread began.  You see the dough you start with is just a small bit of the dough you end with.  You have to "feed" the goopy stuff in the baggie, and smoosh it...daily.  Then you divide it into other baggies to give to your friends, and keep some to bake.  Now I must admit, the stuff is delicious.  We love it at my house.  I have actually never met anyone who didn't like it when they try it, but I digress.


So, I got this starter from my friend, and I made some.  But rather than divide it up and give it to more friends, I made it all, and decided to give it to my kids' teachers and our friends for holiday treats.  I wrapped it in pretty cellophane with ribbons, and put it in bags, and gifted it.  Everyone raved!!  You see, I didn't make the boring old friendship cinnamon type bread, I got creative.  I made vanilla, then vanilla with chocolate chips.  Chocolate and double chocolate.  Banana, and banana with chocolate chips.  I was experimenting, and my friends and family loved it.


Then I got the bright idea to sell it at Bazaars and Craft Shows.  I made large and small loaves.  I sold the large for $5.00 each and the minis for $2.00 each or 3 for $5.00.  I almost sold out completely at the first show.  I was hooked!


So now I bake in the fall, and sell in the holiday season.  I have experimented with even more flavors and now also make pumpkin bread with a delicious cream cheese filling.  That is very popular.


My little hobby is not very lucrative.  But it is enjoyable and satisfies the creative art of my being.  Plus my kids LOVE it when i make muffins!  My friends now look forward to receiving gifts from me at the holidays, as does the mailman, the Schwan's man and the kids' teachers.  

How grief works......

This blog has ben a long time in the making...in my mind. Frankly I haven't blogged in MONTHS because this was the blog I have wanted to write, and I just haven't been able to until now. I am hoping I make it through the writing.

On April 14, 2009, my younger brother Brian died from a heart attack. Technically he had "coronary artery disease", but it was his heart that stopped working, so I call it a heart attack.

I was surprised when my mother called, and knew something was wrong, but frankly I thought the bad news was going to be about my father, not my 39 year old brother.

Brian and I hadn't spoken in a couple of years. We had somewhat of a falling out over my life choices, but on the positive note, our last conversation was not shouting or yelling, it was simply a disagreement, and my last words to my brother were: "I am sorry you feel that way. I love you and when you are ready to have a loving relationship with me I am here waiting and ready for you." I feel truly blessed that I had the presence of mind to say those words to him before we hung up. I cannot imagine the guilt I would still be feeling if I had yelled, or said something ugly or mean to him and then never had the chance to apologize. After all, who expects a 39 year old man to die??? Who expects to never talk to a family member again after an argument???

I never really thought about spirits before Brian died. The day he died and for a few days after, it felt as though he were here in my house with me. It was a peaceful and calming feeling. I felt love and acceptance from him. It was as if he was saying he was sorry that we had an argument and he loved me. It is hard to explain unless you have felt it yourself.

Sadly, my brother left two teenage sons behind, and he adored them. Another lesson I have learned from his death is to make sure those we love KNOW we love them. Don't assume your loved ones "just know" you love them, tell them, and do it often. His boys know how much their dad loved them. He told them and he showed them in his actions and sacrifices.

Facebook became helpful right after Brian died. I used it to reach out to his friends to tell them of Brian's death. It was comforting to me to realize how many people loved him. And why not, he was sweet and funny! He was a good man!

In May we all gathered at my parents house in Florida to bury Brian's cremains and have a funeral service. All of Brian's nieces and nephews were there, as well as his sons. It was wonderful to all be together, although the reason we were there was so incredibly sad.

The military service was beautiful, (Brian was an AO3 in the Navy), and the bugle and rifles sent chills up my spine, and made me cry. It was surreal.

I had never experienced grief before. No one close to me had ever died. I wasn't close to my grandparents, although the death of my maternal grandfather saddened me quite a bit because he was such a wonderful man, and I had fond memories of him. What I have learned is that grief sneaks up on you when you least expect it. Mine seems to be triggered by a song, or a memory. I will be driving down the road, or sitting in a quiet moment, and the grief hits. Not your "TV drama" grief with wailing and gnashing of the teeth, but quiet tears and pain in my heart. Missing him....the realization that we won't talk again...knowing he won't see my children get married..(or his)......knowing he won't see his grandchildren. These are the quiet moments of sadness.

Having to say the words out loud to someone who didn't already know. Having to say "My younger brother died in April". That is hard. It always brings tears.

My mother provided me with an immense amount of comfort when I saw her in September. We went to Disney for vacation and I visited my parents while we were there. She said that it didn't matter that I hadn't spoken to Brian in a couple of years. What mattered was that when the opportunity had been there for me to tell him I loved him while he was alive, I had done so. While we were growing up I had shown him love ( not always in a sweet way...after all, he was my bratty little brother... :-). But I had spent time with him, and we had good times together. I have lots of great memories of being Brian's sister :-) . As adults, we had spent many fun times together. I had told him I loved him and shown him love. She said THAT was what mattered. That was so comforting to me. Brian knew I loved him.

We visited Brian's grave while in Florida. We buried stones around his headstone. My two boys and I had all picked out beautiful stones we had, and took them down to Florida with us and left them there for Brian. Jacob had a big white quartz stone, Zachary had a shiny smooth black stone, and I had a beautiful tiger's eye stone I had received at a meditation seminar. We left those with him.

It has been 6 and a half months since Brian died. I am not finished grieving. I don't think it ever ends completely. My mother gave us all a bit of Brian's cremains, and the little box sits on my mantle with a picture of Brian and some mementos from the funeral. I see Brian every day. It makes me smile to see his picture some days. It brings tears on other days. I think that is how grief works. At least for me.

Time flies

Wow, has it been 6 months since I last blogged??  Many things have happened in that 6 months time frame.  However, I will not divulge all of that now.  I am getting ready to leave the house to pick up my 12 year old son from school....springing him as it were....to take him to a Norfolk Tides baseball game.  :-)

I am running for the coolest mom in Virginia award.  I will take the 14 year old next week.  Since the 9 year old is not really into baseball, I am going to take him to the Hannah Montana movie.  His older sibs won't appreciate be dragging them along, so it will be a son/mom date.  :-)

Blogging  more will commence this weekend.

My emotions are running amok

I have been having a very emotional week.  Pride, satisfaction, hope, joy, sorrow, inspired!  These are some of the emotions I have been feeling this week surrounding the inauguration of Barack Obama as our 44th President.  I was GLUED to the tv on Tuesday, watching the pre events, the event, and the post events, including the parade.  I haven't watched that much tv in one day since the 9/11 attacks!

The kids had a snow day (sans snow), and so they watched the actual inauguration with me.  we talked about little things like Dr. Biden wanting to teach at a local community college instead of a prestigious university, how Mr. Cheney hurt his back moving boxes, a little about each president there, the Lincoln Bible Mrs. Obama carried, the fact that the Obama girls are about the same age as they are, etc.  I was moved to tears by the sheer weight of the historic event as it unfolded.  

Afterwards, I asked each of my three boys what they thought about President Obama's speech.  They each had their own viewpoint, but the main theme was that they felt he was an "awesome" speaker, and that they were very happy he is our new President.  (they are 13, 11, and 9).  The youngest one really grasped the fact that President Obama wants to "reach out" to Americans and other countries.

Then, while at the gym on Wednesday as I was doing my hills on the treadmill, the Oprah Winfrey show came on.  I listened to my music and read the teletype, and then she shows the "america's song" video.  I listened to it through my headphones, and a few other gym patrons gave me strange glances as I walked my hills transfixed to the tv with tears streaming down my face.  It was so moving, and so fitting!  I was trying to link it here, but can't find it anywhere but Oprah's website.  Please check it out!

I have been inspired by President Obama's speech during the inauguration, and have joined the Starbucks "donate 5 hours" campaign.  I am going to work for Habitat for Humanity with the youth of my church to donate at least 5 hours of my time.  

I am so hopeful that our country is at the brink of greatness once again, and that we can pull ourselves out of the slump we are in.  President Obama will galvanize and unite this country, of that I am sure.  And I am standing with many of my fellow Americans, on my tiptoes ready to jump to do his bidding!!!

The holidays are upon us....again

As much as I would love for the holidays to be about family and love and peace, it seems I am so busy running around and am so hectic I am finding it hard to find time to enjoy the season! I just this week finished decorating the house and have not really even begun to shop. The children will be at their father's house for Christmas, so I don't technically have to shop until after Christmas because we are not having our "Christmas" until Jan 1st, but I still feel like a slacker..lol I didn't get around to mailing any holiday cards either. Oh well. I am off for the next two weeks as the schools are out and I cannot sub, so maybe I will now be able to enjoy the holiday season!!!

The GREAT waste of food in our public schools

I have been substitute teaching in the public schools for a few months and I truly love it.  I have been teaching in the elementary schools and it is both challenging and wonderful.  the kids are so smart and sweet.  Some are a handful, and some are not.  Just like the kids who live in my house.....lol.....

One of the things I have noticed, however, makes me so profoundly sad.  I have eaten lunch in the cafeteria with the kids I teach. From preschool through 5th grade.  The amount of good food and milk I see thrown away every day makes me sick.  We could feed so many hungry people with that food.  So many kids order hot lunch and it sits on their trays totally uneaten.  Not even a bite taken.  I ask why they didn't eat it, and they say things like ,"I wasn't hungry", or "I don't like it". It makes me so sad.

Last week I was subbing and went to the cafeteria to pick up my kids.  A little girl had not even opened her container of milk.  I asked the teacher assistant if she could put it back, or give it to a friend.  I was told it is "illegal" to do that since the parent had paid for the milk.  A 1/2 pint of unopened chocolate milk went into the trash.  I actually plan to look into this with the school system and see if there is something that can be done.

I wonder what happens to all of the food that is cooked and not eaten.  Do they reuse the food in "leftovers", or is it also thrown away and wasted???  The horrible waste disgusts me, especially with so many hungry families in the United States and abroad.