How grief works......

This blog has ben a long time in the making...in my mind. Frankly I haven't blogged in MONTHS because this was the blog I have wanted to write, and I just haven't been able to until now. I am hoping I make it through the writing.

On April 14, 2009, my younger brother Brian died from a heart attack. Technically he had "coronary artery disease", but it was his heart that stopped working, so I call it a heart attack.

I was surprised when my mother called, and knew something was wrong, but frankly I thought the bad news was going to be about my father, not my 39 year old brother.

Brian and I hadn't spoken in a couple of years. We had somewhat of a falling out over my life choices, but on the positive note, our last conversation was not shouting or yelling, it was simply a disagreement, and my last words to my brother were: "I am sorry you feel that way. I love you and when you are ready to have a loving relationship with me I am here waiting and ready for you." I feel truly blessed that I had the presence of mind to say those words to him before we hung up. I cannot imagine the guilt I would still be feeling if I had yelled, or said something ugly or mean to him and then never had the chance to apologize. After all, who expects a 39 year old man to die??? Who expects to never talk to a family member again after an argument???

I never really thought about spirits before Brian died. The day he died and for a few days after, it felt as though he were here in my house with me. It was a peaceful and calming feeling. I felt love and acceptance from him. It was as if he was saying he was sorry that we had an argument and he loved me. It is hard to explain unless you have felt it yourself.

Sadly, my brother left two teenage sons behind, and he adored them. Another lesson I have learned from his death is to make sure those we love KNOW we love them. Don't assume your loved ones "just know" you love them, tell them, and do it often. His boys know how much their dad loved them. He told them and he showed them in his actions and sacrifices.

Facebook became helpful right after Brian died. I used it to reach out to his friends to tell them of Brian's death. It was comforting to me to realize how many people loved him. And why not, he was sweet and funny! He was a good man!

In May we all gathered at my parents house in Florida to bury Brian's cremains and have a funeral service. All of Brian's nieces and nephews were there, as well as his sons. It was wonderful to all be together, although the reason we were there was so incredibly sad.

The military service was beautiful, (Brian was an AO3 in the Navy), and the bugle and rifles sent chills up my spine, and made me cry. It was surreal.

I had never experienced grief before. No one close to me had ever died. I wasn't close to my grandparents, although the death of my maternal grandfather saddened me quite a bit because he was such a wonderful man, and I had fond memories of him. What I have learned is that grief sneaks up on you when you least expect it. Mine seems to be triggered by a song, or a memory. I will be driving down the road, or sitting in a quiet moment, and the grief hits. Not your "TV drama" grief with wailing and gnashing of the teeth, but quiet tears and pain in my heart. Missing him....the realization that we won't talk again...knowing he won't see my children get married..(or his)......knowing he won't see his grandchildren. These are the quiet moments of sadness.

Having to say the words out loud to someone who didn't already know. Having to say "My younger brother died in April". That is hard. It always brings tears.

My mother provided me with an immense amount of comfort when I saw her in September. We went to Disney for vacation and I visited my parents while we were there. She said that it didn't matter that I hadn't spoken to Brian in a couple of years. What mattered was that when the opportunity had been there for me to tell him I loved him while he was alive, I had done so. While we were growing up I had shown him love ( not always in a sweet way...after all, he was my bratty little brother... :-). But I had spent time with him, and we had good times together. I have lots of great memories of being Brian's sister :-) . As adults, we had spent many fun times together. I had told him I loved him and shown him love. She said THAT was what mattered. That was so comforting to me. Brian knew I loved him.

We visited Brian's grave while in Florida. We buried stones around his headstone. My two boys and I had all picked out beautiful stones we had, and took them down to Florida with us and left them there for Brian. Jacob had a big white quartz stone, Zachary had a shiny smooth black stone, and I had a beautiful tiger's eye stone I had received at a meditation seminar. We left those with him.

It has been 6 and a half months since Brian died. I am not finished grieving. I don't think it ever ends completely. My mother gave us all a bit of Brian's cremains, and the little box sits on my mantle with a picture of Brian and some mementos from the funeral. I see Brian every day. It makes me smile to see his picture some days. It brings tears on other days. I think that is how grief works. At least for me.